Days turn into nights, year...after...year. Your life seems to go from one trial to the next, with no rest in between. You tell yourself you can be strong and get through each day. You think you're in control, handling things the best you know how. Till one day you find yourself unable sleep at night. Trying to catch your breath, but you can't. This goes on for weeks. You're trying to survive on no sleep, constant shortness of breath, and pain in your chest. You don't understand what's happening to you, but you're desperate for breath and sleep. Sobbing... day after day. Praying relentlessly for God to rescue you from it. As time goes on you also begin to feel this awful pressure and squeezing in your throat, like someone is choking you. This has never happened to you before, why won't this stop! Your life is no longer about living. It has become about just surviving one day at a time, barely being able to keep your head above the water while you vigorously tread the water with your arms and legs, but your limbs are getting tired. So very tired. You're not sure you can get through the day alive, but yet you have to keep going and doing life. You don't even know what you're doing half the time and you can't remember anything. After a while of this, your emotional bucket and physical body are trying to run on an empty tank. Your body breaks down...you break down. All alarms are going off loudly with BIG RED FLASHING lights from your body. WARNING!...WARNING! You've lost control!
The funny thing is... you never had control from the beginning...
Does anyone really understand what you're going through?
I do.
This story I've been describing is about me. Is it also about you?
I never in my life thought this story would be about me. But it is. This is some of what has been taking place in my personal life over the last 2 years. My husband and I have been going through a long period of affliction.
I have learned just recently from one of my favorite teachers, that an affliction means "to try to force submission". It is something that afflicts you. The definition of afflict is "to distress with mental or bodily pain; trouble greatly or grievously, to humble". It can make you feel alone. It humbles you. It is something that is trying to get you to submit. You either submit and bend your knees to it, or you submit and bend your knees to God. Either way it is going to afflict you so much that you WILL submit to one or the other.
We have not been delivered from the affliction yet, but I can tell you that even though this has been one of the hardest most horrific seasons of my life, God has gotten my attention, and has been doing a whole lot of work in me in the midst of this affliction. I have learned some things that have made me very cautious to be slow to speak, make a judgement, or think I know what's best. It has given me a willing heart towards submission. When I get delivered from this affliction, I pray that what I'm learning will forever stay a part of my character, so I don't ever have to return to it again!
You see, I used to feel that submission was not a word I liked. I didn't really understand it well. I believed that it meant that I had to just be a robot who was always forced into things. Through this affliction, I'm learning that's not what it means. The core of it, that has been rocking my world, is the understanding that I am not self-sufficient or self-sustaining. This affliction has been showing me that I've never been in control of anything. God has only let me think I've been in control. When He pulls everything away from you, and you are in a helpless, hopeless state, with no way to change anything, you finally see your true need for God, and a dependence on a higher authority. I am learning that God loves me so much that He wants me to be under his umbrella of authority because it is there where I am cared for the best and safest, not because he wants me to be a robot. To be out from under His umbrella on my own is a very dangerous place for me to be. Why? Because left to myself I will destroy myself. I do not know all things. I do not know what is really best for me.
It's like this...for you females reading this... I have a desire, and most of you probably do too if you're honest with yourself, for a man (in my case, my husband) that will be perfect. One that loves you more than he loves himself. One that loves you with an unconditional true love. One that is always looking out for your best. One that is guiding you always for your growth, encouraging you and loving you through your difficult times of learning. One that is protecting you under his umbrella. Leading you with great wisdom. Never a worry about him abandoning you. No matter what he says or where he takes you, you feel safe because you know he's always got what's best for you in mind, even if something might be hard or challenging.
Well we know that a perfect human man doesn't exist, but we can have that if we live under the umbrella of God's authority. So I ask myself, why wouldn't I want that? I would! I do! I've had to ask God for his grace and forgiveness in so many areas, this being one of them. Submission to God is where I want to be.
Jesus spoke to my heart one day(not out loud) and said, "Come to the field where I've laid myself down. Lay yourself too. I did it willingly. I invite you to do it willingly. There is no love or sacrifice in it if you're forced. I laid myself down, and gave up my life for you. Will you lay yourself down and give up your life for Me? Who are you going to follow...yourself?...or Me? That is the battle you've been fighting."
Fighting a battle is tiresome...I don't want to fight that battle anymore. I've made a choice to lay down my life for Jesus, just as he did for me. And the best part is...I'm doing it willingly!
How about you? Can you relate to my story? Have you been experiencing an affliction? Please know there are others who understand. You are not really alone.
What battle are you fighting?
Will you submit to it or to God?
WHO are you going to follow? YOURSELF? or JESUS?
I write this to you with tears in my eyes because I know the battle is real. I know it can be hard. And sometimes, as with me, it has to be very painful for us to finally see the truth.
My compassion is towards you, but I know that no one can make these choices for you. They have to be made by you and come willingly.
I would never in my life write these things to you if God has not shown himself to be very real to me through his son Jesus. I say this with great certainty that only God and Jesus could bring about the changes in me for the growth of my character! I have never been loved with this kind of love in all my life! Don't take my word for it. Seek Jesus out yourself. Read about Him in the bible. Talk to Him. He is more real than the things you can see! When you truly, truly get to know Him you will want to cling to him and never let go!
